Confirmation

Another blood test today and the confirmation came this evening that the hormone level has plummeted, it is now 52.

I wasn't pleased with the way the news was delivered. It was very matter of fact and as if she was just informing me of the next steps in the process. I was told "Your hCG is low, so what we want you to do is stop the drugs"  Did she realise the news she was delivering to me?!

It wasn't a surprise. I put the phone down, took a deep breath, told Hubby who gave me a hug, and then I just got on with what I was doing. The bitter disappointment I feel is hard to describe. It's not just the loss, but how much time, emotion and effort that went into it.

132 Injections, 260 Pills, 63 Pessaries, 24 blood tests, 17 internal scans !

I won't ever regret trying, but it is a lot to put in to get nothing at the end.

Heartbreaking news

My bleeding continued, it was fairly light, but more than spotting. I rushed off to the clinic, another blood test and wait for the results. I got a call about 6pm. My hormone level hCG) has dropped to 178.

It's all over.

They will do another test on Monday to confirm, so I am not to stop the drugs just yet.

I know in my heart this is the end. The strange exhaustion I felt mid week is completely gone. It's so sad to think we came so close and beat all the odds that were against us. To get this far and then lose it. We have no embryos 'spare,' none frozen.

13 embryos, 5 without TCS, 2 survived to implantation day (day 7), one positive pregnancy test, 0 babies :-(

Scared

I've had some bleeding today, I know spotting is a sign of early pregnancy, but I don't feel this is 'spotting' it seems more than that. I called the clinic this evening and they have told me to keep an eye on it. I can come in for another beta next week, perhaps Wednesday.

Another dip in this rollercoaster ...

Beta #2 Test Day

Another blood test and another excruciating wait.

I finally got the call to say that the hormone level has more than doubled. It has gone from 99 to 220! The clinic are happy with this and do not need to see me again until my 7 week scan.  Tears of relief!!! Still a long way to go, but it seems this scare is over.

Beta test day

Went to the clinic to have my blood test. The home pregnancy tests detect the presence of the pregnancy hormone.  The beta blood test measures the amount  I've been given more of the same drugs to continue with, including the horrid intramuscular jab, ugh! And was told I would get a call later.

What a nerve wracking wait. My blood test was 11:30, so by the time 6 pm came around and still no call I was worried I'd been missed. I finally spoke to a doctor about 6:30, and did not get the reassurance I was hoping for. My beta level is 99, they like it to be much higher. They want me to come in to test again in 2 days. The level needs to have doubled by then, or something is wrong.

I think if the level is low because it's just a little bit behind, then all might be OK, but of course we don't know if the level is low because it is decreasing. Only the second test will reveal this.  if it isn't going up, then it's all over. 

Obviously I am very concerned. But I remain hopeful and have to stay positive. Its out of my control, which isn't a nice feeling, and I feel like 3 days have been added to my 2 week wait! 

Appointment 11:30 Wednesday.

  

Home Testing day

Words just can't describe how I feel. I won't even try.

The photo says it all .....

The 2ww is over

Finally, it's Saturday evening and my Two Week Wait ends tomorrow. Many women say this is the hardest part. I wasn't surprised to hear that, and now I have experienced it I can see why. It's a very emotional time and you feel so helpless just 'waiting' for your miracle to happen. The not knowing really challenges your sanity!

The Progesterone jabs in to the muscle didn't help, the sore muscle sensation lasts for days, and of course you have another shot before it has stopped hurting. This didn't help with the sleeping, because as soon as I roll over in bed, it hurts and wakes me up!

Overall I think I've done pretty well. Thursday was difficult, I felt a bit lonely. Hubby worked from home on the Friday so having someone around again made things easier. I'm not working at the moment, which physically is probably a really good thing, I must admit I have felt a bit exhausted at certain times of the day. It is a weird energy less fatigued feeling. Emotionally it would have been good to be working as I'd have to focus on something else and would have been around people more.

I have listened to a relaxing CD as I go to sleep and as I wake up, I've tried to stay as calm and relaxed as possible. I've already cut out alcohol completely and switched to decaff tea and coffee. I have eaten as I normally would, but tried to eat more fruit and never skip breakfast or lunch.

Most importantly I have tried to stay positive and believe that this can happen for me, and we can beat the odds. I have told myself I am pregnant, and hubby has given me three kisses instead of one every single time he has kissed me since we had the embryos implanted.

I have had no symptoms apart from a very slight sensation as if my period is due. That could just be because my uterus wall is really thick and full. I had a very slight queasy feeling whilst eating Friday night and then again at lunchtime today. I know the various drugs can have side effects, but seems a bit late for them to start now. As soon as I felt that slight queasiness I felt so happy as it helped my belief that this might just have worked. Overall though I feel very normal.

We have bought two home pregnancy tests. Hubby has hidden them so I don't have to struggle to fight temptation to test before tomorrow. I now feel very nervous ......

Progesterone Check

After a very chilled day at home yesterday doing very little. Trying to be relaxed and calm (it's going to be a very long 2 weeks!), I went back to the clinic yesterday for a blood test to check Progesterone levels. Waited 1 hour 15 minutes after my appointment time before I was seen, and was in and out in about 2 minutes. Back home again straight after as I'm supposed to be taking it easy after ET.

I got a call from the hospital saying my progesterone levels were a little below 75. They would like it to be 100 (Although 75 would be the level for a normal pregnancy at this stage). I had to go back in today to collect more medication.

They have added a Progesterone tablet three times a day and another injection every other day. This one has to go into the muscle. The injection itself isn't so bad, but the ache a few hours afterwards is quite unpleasant. Feels like I have cramp! Poor husband is going to have to do this for me as injecting in the upper bum muscle is kinda hard to reach yourself!

Long needles, and yes it has to go all the way in!

I have to confess to a wobble today. It was late, I was tired, my bum was very sore, and I was struggling to get the clexane injection needle in. (They are wider, and it seems harder and more painful to penetrate the skin). There were tears. I'd had enough. A cup of tea from Hubby, and straight to bed soon sorted that. I've told myself off, and I will not do it again!

My drug regime now:

ET Day - Attempt 2

This really is it! Arrived in plenty of time for my appointment and a full bladder, and was taken straight down to the ward. Back in the same bay as my third Egg Collection, changed into the attractive gown and waited, fighting the urge to run to the toilet ;)

A nurse called me for a quick scan, just to check my bladder was full. The reason they want a full bladder is because it presses down on the uterus and flattens it, making the direction much easier for inserting the tube.

Soon after we were visited by the chief embryologist, the same guy we saw yesterday. He said that waiting was definitely the right thing to do, because 3 embryos have stopped developing. My heart sank, rapidly. I wasn't prepared for that news.

So ... this is our only shot. The remaining two will be transferred, and all our hopes are pinned on them. As our chances are quite low, the risk of twins is extremely low, so using two is not an issue and will give us the best chances. The two being transferred are both frozen ones from our first cycle.

Having had the dummy transfer already, everything was as I expected, just a little slower as they were dealing with the embryos this time, so were extremely careful. We got to watch on the screen as the tube entered my uterus. Although the embryos are too small to see, they put an air bubble in the tube behind them so they can see where they are.

In the attached scan you can see the air bubbles.

And then it was all over, I got a bit emotional, and was wheeled back to the ward and told to lay down for a further 20 mins. I then made a dash to the toilet once the 20 minutes were up and had a cup of tea before getting ready to take 'Squirt' and 'Squidge' home.

One of the embryologist showed us the sticks that the embryos were frozen on. they are literally placed on the end of the green sticks in this picture:

Now I enter the dreaded 2ww (Two week wait) I need to do a home pregnancy test on Sunday October 14th and go to the clinic for a blood test Monday 15th if it is positive. This will test the hCG levels (Human chorionic gonadotropin).

Apart from a blood test (8 days after Egg Collection) on Tuesday, there's nothing left for me to do apart from take drugs and wait!

ET DAY!

I'll keep this post short as it was a very non-eventful day in the end. We got to the clinic at 10:15, and we were basically sent home again.

They feel that tomorrow they will have a better idea of which embryo(s) to transfer. They'd like to see them develop a little further to be able to make a better decision.

Reading between the lines I think the embryos have not developed as hoped. Trying not to worry .....

Back tomorrow at 10:30